Branduin S

Clearly I need a girlfriend so that I have someone to spend money on. Seriously, I have just been exposed to way too much pretty jewelry that I would never ever wear.

The 2009 Grammy Camp application is up. I've read the whole thing over twice, and it looks pretty straightforward. The only big question for me is whether or not I can apply for financial aid if I do the early decision application, because I cant go if they dont give me a full scholarship and the financial aid app comes out after the deadline for early decision. But I'll work that out. In the mean time, I'm talking to two girls who are getting ready to apply. Theyre scared senseless. It sort of remind me of me. And then I got to thinking about who I'd like to be before I apply to camp next year. So here are my 'new years resolutions' on the Grammy Camp calendar.

1. I am going to get a haircut that I'm not self conscious about. (Done.)
2. I am going to learn how to not do that thing when you take photos of me with flash on. You know the one.
3. I am going to perform regularly at open mics so that I learn to control my nerves somewhat.
4. I will dress professionally when I leave the house. (Mostly done.)
5. I will learn to keep time so that I can accompany myself on the guitar more easily.
6. I am studying arrangement so I can better articulate to a band and make better use of short practice times.
7. I will be proficient at reading music.
8. I will record and carry with me a demo CD so that the next time someone asks for it, I have it ready.
9. I am going to focus on becoming a craft writer instead of an inspiration writer.
10. I am going to get my voice used to singing even on the bad days.
11. I will accept that I am good enough at what I do.
12. I am going to find a graceful way to handle compliments.
13. I am going to keep my frank amazement about everything to myself when there are important people in the room.
14. I will not apologize for my short comings.

This is a long list. Good thing its a long time until applications are due.

I am thinking. About a moment in songwritng class where we were supposed to improvise over the teacher playing the guitar. Just melody, no words. I was supposed to be doing the Pre-Chorus. It would have been easy too, because it was right there in my head. Two sets of ascending triplets and a single long phrase leading into the chorus. But I was too scared to sing it, so I didnt, and the whole class worked together to do it instead.

I am thinking about when I got so scared to sing in that I stopped in the middle of a song, excused myself, and went outside. I sang that song all the way through by myself twice before I realized that it was just nerves keeping me from singing inside the building. So I went back inside and sang when I was told to and listened to the criticism. I was told mostly that I have no self confidence. And that I should use my 'vocal fingerprints' more often. After class I cried.

I am thinking about standing in the cafeteria when out of the blue another student starts lecturing me, about not giving myself enough credit, and about what she had to do before she learned not to be scared.

I'm thinking about Alison Sudol telling me that I'm brave and stupid. She talked about protecting your heart, and believing in yourself, and knowing that youre doing the right thing. I have a recording of it somewhere.


Most of all I'm thinking about the phone numbers for open mics that I havent called because I'm too nervous even to go see if theyre open mics I can play at. I'm thinking about how much I hate talking on the phone. I'm thinking about the e-mails I havent sent because I'm scared of getting a negative response, and the people I dont call because I'm scared of getting blown off, and the friends I didnt make because I didnt think they'd want to talk to me so I never tried.

I am sitting here glancing at the 'online friends' tab wondering if you'll log onto Facebook. Even though I know you wont, because you've been online already today, and you're the kind of girl that only spends an hour of the computer when you can help it. And I've been thinking about how silly all of this is, that I can still love you from way the hell over here when I should be getting on with my life. But after what I found out about the chemical properties of love I'm thinking this should fade in a couple of weeks and maybe then I can talk to you like a normal person and I can fall asleep easier and you wont be in my dreams anymore. Right?

So I'm in Los Angeles, at USC Thorton, with the Grammy Foundation. And I'm tired. But I'm sitting in front of a computer for some real period of time, so I thought I would check in before I forget everything that's happened. Here's camp so far in brief.

Camp is like this: I've met more kids than I really wanted to. We are being escorted everywhere, and we have room mates, so I dont spend a moment alone that isnt in a bathroom or a practice room. Days start at 6:30 and end at 11:30. The cafeteria is a pretty crazy experience. The food isnt bad, but its a little junky, and I sort of wish they would cook something with tofu. Seriously, can I have a stir fry please? I have had three servings of chocolate pudding today.

Opening night we went to the big Grammy Gala. All the students had to walk the red carpet, which was admittedly pretty scary, but a good time. I learned that cocktail parties are not fun, just because food is expensive doesnt mean its good, and "posers are getting younger and younger every day!"

Songwriting class is sometimes really boring and sometimes really hard. All of the kids have their strengths and weaknesses. Some of the singers are amazing, some of them downright intimidating. We've studied the structure of a commercial chorus, how to create contrast within a song using rhythm, melody, and harmony, and the lyric structure of a commercial single. That last part didnt make any sense. I can think of several commercial signals off the top of my head that didnt fit that structure. We've also spent a lot of time talking about how the voice works. I've learned how to put together an effective vocal workout regime, how the larynx works, and how to adjust vowels for pitch. I have also seen video of the inside of singing throats. Kinda gross. Kinda cool.

The panels are so far excellent. We've talked about the future of music and what the industry is going to look like in a few years. Yesterday we had Alison Sudol, Poe, Crosby Loggins, and Rocco DeLucca to talk to us. I got lectured by both Ali and Poe. Good times. Some pretty life changing advice too. Ali came and ate dinner in the cafeteria. Jullian and I had a long conversation about whether or not she would appreciate being invited to sit with someone. Pointless, but a fascinating insight into what it might be like from an artists point of view.

Tonight we have a panel on Surround Sound and Other Forms of Media, which sounds not as interesting as last nights panel, but whatever. After that its back to the dorms for me. I think I'm going to try showering tonight instead of in the morning so that I can a) sleep in later and b) I dont have to go to breakfast with wet hair. I'm sort of hoping to play music with some of the other kids too, since practice rooms are fun but solitary. I want to play some covers if I can find somewhere to play that isnt full of people playing the piano (badly) and singing loudly (even worse than theyre playing the piano). Tomorrow is Community Service day with the Salvation Army Community Center.

I'm not really sure how to wrap up this blog post, so this is over and out. ;)

How do you take the feeling, lodged in your throat, settled in your chest, and make it bigger without breaking yourself, expand it until you're full with it, then mold it into a shape that anyone would recognize, and send it out into the world in good faith?

I am beginning to think that the difference between the music I am proud of and the music I throw away before its finished is much simpler than I thought it was. While I was looking at songwriting technique, picking apart rejects and favorites for some sort of clue, what I was completely missing was what each song had in common (or didnt).

The songs that I keep, and I think there are only nine of them at this point, are the songs that other people are relating to. Its the songs that make the girl cry, and the one that made a whole room full of people cry, and the one who's lyrics I've repeated more times than I thought I had the patience for. And I thought, at first, that it was a simple matter of excellence in craft, but it isnt. Craft is just a part of it. You have to have the craft and then you have to make the shape recognizable.

When I think about it this way, I start to realize that this is also how I judge other people's work. Its the way that I measure the progress of songwriters around me, and its part of how I picked my favorite writers and singers.

So I guess that means that I can stop worrying myself over how the words fit together, and the composition of the song, and whether or not I repeated the chorus at least three times (because thats the rule), and is the hook line in a good place, and are all the parts melodic compliments, and do they contrast enough, etc.

The hook line in much of Anna Nalick's work is not where you would expect to find it. Or its cleverly disguised and you have to listen to the song three or four times to figure it out. But if anyone is a master of the song everyone else can relate to, its her. So maybe I'll put away my songwriting books (And my CDs, because thats studying too) and try just cranking out music for a while. I guess the worst thing that can happen is I wind up with a lot of songs only I can make any sense out of.

It's the most incredible blue outside my window right now. In an hour I'm going to go walk in it, under the freeway, through the woods, past the ocean, which I'm sure will be as stunning today as it was yesterday. Down through the residential areas, past the old hospital, all the way to my therapy appointment where I'm sure it will be hot and I will be tired and moderatly irritable. In the meantime I am going to have peanut butter and jelly on toast. I am going to marvel over the new song that decided to come to me and resist being bitter about the fact that I can count all the new songs since 2007 on one hand. I am going to contemplate painting, but I'm not going to actually do it.

I think I love days like this. Days when the mandated walk isnt a chore, and I feel like I have the whole world to look forward to. Days when even tinnitus, stupid people, and sold out concerts are only mildly irritating. I think we should do this more often.

This morning I took a moment to think about why I was in such a pleasant mood. Then I remembered a pretty girl in a tutu telling me that while she was off tour working on her new album she often thought that she should quit and go back to college because clearly she wasnt any good at songwriting.

I'm not saying that was my favorite part of seeing Anna Nalick perform at Alice Radio yesterday morning. After arrivng early we stood in line until after the show was scheduled to begin... only to see Anna herself walk into the station something like thirty minutes late. She was dressed like tinkerbell; Heels, tights, green tutu skirt, white t-shirt, sparkly hair something or another that could have been a tiara. Her bassist had to steal her from the fans she immediatly stopped to talk to. 

The show itself was... well, wonderful. Anna played her cover of Breaking The Girl, which is just as stunning live as it is on the Shine EP, and a new song from the upcoming album, as well as both of her hit singles. (Breathe 2am and Shine) She stopped in the middle to open up the floor to questions. Most of them were the same old, but she did tell us that she was hoping to go on a club tour soon, and that the album was supposed to come out some time in August. This is Anna Nalick though. I'm not holding my breath ;)

Afterwards everyone had a chance to meet Anna and take a picture with her. I convinced her to do something special for a friend of mine (there wasnt a lot of convincing to be done) and repeated the same conversation I had with her a year and three quarters ago. Except this time I was speaking coherent english, and when she asked if Branduin was my real name I started cracking up. "Oh, did I ask you that before?" She says with a pained expression. I told her that last time she asked I answered that someone had given it to me when I was small. Shortly after this I got out of her way so she could finish her meeting and greeting. Dylan is annoyed with me for not posing for a picture with her. I'm a little annoyed with me too, but I'll see her again.

On a slightly more personal note. I had almost two years to think of what I would say to Anna Nalick if I ever had the opportunity. When I did talk to her, I managed to say none of it. In a spectacular lack of tact I told her that she wasnt my role model, that Brandi Carlile was. She told me that Brandi Carlile was a very talented musician. I've been thinking about that exchange though, and if I had to hold them both up equally, I'm not sure which one of them I would call my role model. Maybe I'll work that out and tell Anna next time I see her.

Videos of all four songs beneath the cut. (or they would be if the cut worked. Maybe its just my computer. Maybe I'm LJ impared.) Check out Walk Away if you have a minute!

<LJ-cut>

Breaking The Girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcV2-M5ZFHU
Walk Away http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJWkLQXZe6c
Shine http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3R6LCA_KZoU
Breathe(2am) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkcHqRM4yB0

I've been hacking up a lung for the last couple of days. Or rather, I've been hacking up everything thats in my throat, which I'm sure will be good for me in the long run. Presently its left me pretty bored, since music is just about the only thing I'm working on at the moment. My throat just isnt up to singing at the moment.

So I've been working on the piano and the guitar, chiefly the piano since it doesnt tempt me to sing, and I've been listening to a lot of music. I have finally figured out how to play Happy at album speed, which is just plain impressive. What I originally thought was two guitars on the album is apparently possible on a single guitar, given a liberal amount of practice. Now if someone would just give me the tabs to the chorus and the bridge I could probably get this up to speed, but all I have is the chords, and the album version goes SO fast that I cant keep track of all the notes.

I'm working on how to play Love Songs by Sara Bareilles on the piano. I've come across a very handy youtube tutoring video, and is it turns out, that sounds is painfully simple once you get the hang of the rhythm. I want to have it under my belt because frankly, it sounds more impressive than it is, and I'd like to be able to sing along to something on the piano.

If you havent heard Sara Bareilles yet, you should check her out. She's got a quirky sort of style that seems to be very popular at the moment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR5xv3pt7KI for the video. (although I'm pretty sure Bottle It Up is the current single. But I dont like that one as much.)

One of my favorite singers is coming to SF. Actually, she's my absolute favorite, but I wont speak her name here because sometimes it winds up on google. The point is, she's coming to SF, and she's doing a single radio promotion show, which is invite only, and I have sitting in front of me the only way to get invitations to that invite only show.

Its amazing how much I want this. Its amazing how happy I am about the chance to see her again. Its going to really suck if/when I dont get tickets to this, and I'm miserable about it. 

Its kind of pathetic how much this means to me.

Yesterday I had the unnerving experience of almost passing out in the middle of a choir performance. What I took to be discomfort because of the heat turned out to be quite a bit more serious. So, after doing everything I could think of to keep standing through the end of the second movement, I knealt in the back for the third movement of the Brahms German Requim. I did manage to sing for the remaining movements, though not as well as I would have liked, and I didnt stop feeling dizzy until I sat down outside. Lesson here? I dont know. I'm sure it has something to do with practicing and pacing.

I'm sort of glad the Brahms is over. I was really enjoying singing it (I love singing the second, third, and sixth movements best) but it was also really hard. I didnt realize how much I didnt know/couldnt do until I tried this project. So, its over. And I have learned a few lessons about singing and harmony and I can get along a bit better with a piece of sheet music. (Although I still cant sight read, I dont have to listen so hard to the other altos)

The next project is Grammy Camp. Well, at least I hope so. The application has been mailed and all I can really do is sit around and hope that they send me a letter. A letter is a good thing. Last year, only accepted students got letters. In the mean time, I'm making a few attempts at learning how to play the piano. I can now play The Dance Of The Squirrels, The Clapping Song, Little Boy, and a march. I'm learning a linking song thats driving me crazy, and I'm about to learn Ode To Joy. If I keep this up I'll know how to play that one on four instruments! Go me.

Luis Maldonado is a part of a band that is now signed. I'm fascinated by the tracks availible on their myspace. Chek out Into The Presence at http://www.myspace.com/intothepresence

I decided to learn this song just for kicks a few weeks ago. Con kids seem to like asking me for songs they know, and I um... dont know any of them. So, since my collection of songs consists mostly of songs I wrote, I decided to go on a hunt for popular music I actually liked. That I could learn. Maybe. 

I learned this song, despite its lyrical symplicity, because as stupid as I often think it is, its a very sweet song. And everyone undeniably knows it. This morning I found out that Brandi Carlile is covering this song as well. And holy smokes! She does an amazing job. I'd embedd it if I knew how, but its not working for some reason. Here's a link.

http://bebo.com/watch/6440734112

Can you help me find a little color, love
I've had enough of white roses
Can you keep me from giving up
Can you stop me from getting heart broken

I keep a collection of random lyrics in a notebook in my bag. Usually they're pretty terrible lyrics, not edited or anything, just thrown down to get the concept or the sound of the words together. Thats the point. Its just a scrap collection of odds and ends that can be used for inspiration or perhaps to fill in that line that isnt coming. So far it hasnt been terribly useful. Today I was thinking about the unfinished songs I have lying around and I realized that none of the mostly discarded lyrics had actually been put into the notebook. And I like some of them.

I tried on the words to your songs but they fit wrong
Tried to fit into your skin but it felt wrong

I kind of wonder what I'm ever going to do with these. I suppose I should write them all down. There's on on the edge of my memory that could have been a pretty fantastic song if I had forgotten how it goes. Hmmm. Maybe it will come back to me.

I have been working on the plot to this novel. Its a novel that I tried to write for NaNoWriMo one year, but I was frankly too immature to actually get anything good out of it and I abandoned it three chapters in due to a total lack of direction.

It didnt really occur to me until today that part of the problem was the way the novel was written. I'm used to writing these dramas about internal struggles and usually romance, because thats where my mind is right now. But what I was writing was a variation on a childrens story. Specifically, I was creating a wonderland for someone very different from Alice, and also not so different in many ways. She may never get to read this book, but I've finally come back around to it, and here is what I realized.

Alice in Wonderland is not really about other people. Its about Alice. In fact, its entirely about Alice, and the other characters fit in as scenery almost in the course of the story. Therefore, to write a variation, to create a Wonderland for someone, what I need is a collection of very colorful characters that are a reflection of the main character and her fears. (I say fears because the subject of the book isnt a child, and while storybook poctures are fun, this is meant to be something of a horror story. And besides, Alice in Wonderland is kind of a creepy book anyway.)

The original attempt followed our Main Character through her own mind while she was chasing some part of herself in order to save this mysterious world she had just found herself in. Scratch that. Here's the new story. Our Main Character stops to talk to a little boy doing magic tricks on the street, and he tells her he wants to show her something. She follows him, and soon finds herself in a room with only one door, and its locked. A trick? Maybe. When the door finally does open its a little girl with a basket, who runs away from our Main Character as soon as she is spotted. Our Main Character steps outside to find herself in a whole different world rather than the old building she was expecting. And of course, the door locks behind her. There is a moral to this story of course, about staying true to yourself and about remembering not to take everything literally all the time. A difficult moral to grapple so far.

So in preparation for this Alice In Wonderland variation I am re-reading Alice in Wonderland and Through The Looking Glass. I am also reading Coralineand watching the Mirror Mask again. Niel Gaimen always does an exceptional job creating these characters that are just as much a part of the scenery as they are a part of the story. And of course, he's ever so good at the creepy fairytale.

Any other reading suggestions?

There were wildflowers on my walk today. There could have been wildflowers on my walks for the last couple of weeks, but I was too wrapped up in myself to really notice anything but the trail, the people, and the ocean (which doesnt really count, seeing as its too big to ignore anyway.) But today I took my headphones off and went walking without music, and I was hardly down the path before I noticed that there are wildflowers. Everywhere. What a sweet surprise, wildflowers. Its funny how much I miss that's staring me in the face.

When I got back up around to the top of the cliffs again there was a group of people speaking a foriegn language. They had cameras and lighting equipment and were filming pretty much anything that moved. One girl took a picture of me waiting to be able to walk by. I ran into them a couple more times before I got back home. I also ran into traffic; apparently protestors hung banners on the Golden Gate bridge and it stopped the cars going northbound. 

I'm still a little tired from yesterday. We did the filming for my Grammy Camp application, and it was loads and loads of fun, but a lot more work than I thought it would be. Who knew that sitting in front of a camera could wear you out? But the lights made my head hurt and my voice got tired, and I ha to do the essay part over and over again until I got it right, which took forever and made me cranky. I officially have the best mom ever for getting it all together though, and afterwards we went for icecream, which was fanstastic, even if they did get my order wrong.

For now, its off to do the dishes. I'm not eating dinner at home tonight, and I'd like to get the kitchen cleaned up before I have to leave. And I made a big mess making biscuits. But they're fantastic biscuits. With Gralic Salt and Onion Powder, and cheese, which makes the whole thing just that much better.